30 Day Book Challenge! Days 14-15: So Many Books

No, I am not planning for this skip-a-day-double-post thing to become a habit. However, I am having heaps of fun with our beautiful SUMMER!! I know it is really and truly here because (1) my friend and I enjoyed 80 degrees and sunshine at the river yesterday...

 ...and (2) last night we had grilled pizza. Grilled. Pizza. Pretty much my favorite summer food evah. I literally (hmmm...this is an embarrassing piece of information to send out into the world wide web) drooled taking my first bite. It was gross. The drool, that is - but the pizza was to die for.

JT, or "Red" in the blogging world, was our pizza-crust-connoisseur, and has documented more pictures of this delectableness on his blog, The Case of the Red-Head JT. Just in case you too wish to drool.

But enough with the excuses of sunshine and food, and on to our book questions!!

Day 14: What is a book you regret not having read sooner?

This is, I have decided, an impossible question. Hasn't every book you've ever read been finished with the feeling of "I should have read that sooner?" Which story have you fallen in love with and thought, "Well, I'm glad I didn't read that last year"? Which thought-provoking page have you turned and thought "I am so glad I read this...but if I'd read it yesterday, I would have regretted it"? Really? Which book do I regret not having read sooner? Every. Single. One of them.

Day 15: What is a book on your "to read" list?

There are so-so-so many. It's no exaggeration to say I have at least my next 50 books planned out...and those are just ones that are top-priority. The next book on my list (after the present one I'm reading) is Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I have tried to read this book so many times...checked it out from the library twice. Had to return it before finishing twice. Bought it once, got half-way through again and then left it in an airport. Bought it again, will read it all the way through this time...although I may have to purpose not to let it leave my room until I finish it!

What's the next book on your reading list?

My Goal is Not to Be

Some time ago, I struggled through a difficult phase - specifically in regards to relationships - in which I was forced to come face-to-face with a hard, Henry-Higgins reality: the world didn't need me to spin. Pathetic and humiliating as it is to admit, this was a bitter pill for me to swallow. I wanted to be wanted. I craved appreciation. I desired to be needed and valued.

While there may be nothing wrong in these yearnings, seeking their fulfillment in people is not only a symptom of messed-up priorities, but a danger. What energies will be sacrificed in fulfilling tasks to be appreciated by ___? What must I do, or who must I become, to be wanted by ___? The valuing of these perceptions quickly and silently cold-shoulders the most precious thing we can seek - Christ's approval - and leaves us, the ones for whom Christ died, feeling worthless and rejected. I had reached that point.

And yet, even as I realized this, even as I bowed in tears one night, acknowledging my misplaced priorities, even as I promised to give them up, and begged for strength, even as I knew that this was not who I wished to be - it hurt. Hurt that I wasn't this list of things to the people I knew. Hurt that, beyond not being needed, life would continue just as cheerily without me. Hurt that, apart from God, I was worth less than dirt.

The truth cuts deeply at times.

But truth is also the no-fail "bustin' outta here" plan for spirits held captive in cramped cells of darkness, depression, and rejection.

So, to see the truth, I wrote. Carefully, painfully, I noted each and every "what-I-want-to-be" desire, and then went back over them, prayerfully considering what God's approach to each of these qualities would be. Some wishes were more frivolous than others, but the overwhelming lesson I learned from that evening was that each of my yearnings were simply cheap versions of the plans God has for my life. He had placed the desires there, I had simply warped them. He had given me goals, and I had misapplied them. He alone valued me, even though He alone saw how little I, on my own,  was worth.

This list is a reminder of that night-gone-by, but it is also an encouragement for all the times to come.

~ My goal is not to be loved, but to love selflessly and unconditionally.

~ My goal is not to be needed, but to notice and meet the needs of others.

~ My goal is not to be appreciated, but to encourage others by being appreciative of them.

~ My goal is not to be known, but to know God and His calling upon my life.

~ My goal is not to be successful, but to 'lead a quiet life...that {I} may walk properly..."

~ My goal is not to be wanted, but to have such a relationship with my Savior as to want nothing else.

~ My goal is not to be accomplished, but to die to self and experience the unsurpassable joy of seeing God accomplish much more through me.

~ My goal is not to be beautiful, but to daily seek and behold the beauty of the LORD.

~ My goal is not to be knowledgeable, but to listen quietly and learn from the knowledge of others.

~ My goal is not to be popular, but to stand alone: quietly, contentedly, and fearlessly.

~ My goal is not to be stylish, but to lead a lifestyle defined by a deep relationship with God.

~ My goal is not to be funny, but to laugh daily with the joy of the LORD.

~ My goal is not to be athletic, but to run the great race of my spirit, tirelessly.

~ My goal is not to be strong, but to glory in weaknesses.

~ My goal is not to be right, but to be confident in Jesus' righteousness.

~ My goal is not to be competent, but to have a confidence in my Leader.

~ My goal is not to be memorable, but to be one who remembers the forgotten.

My goal is not to be me, but Christ's servant. Only in loosing the desire to make our own names will we be able to find our real identities.

May our goal be Christ, today and always.

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Two Lists

Photo Credit

If, today, time set me free,

Released me to Eternity,

Loos'd my body-bound, cramped soul,

To wing toward home - Oh blessed pull!

If forewarned, I knew the day,

The time, the place, the means, the way,

Then, I know, two lists I'd find

Engraved, heart-deep, within my mind.

Two lists - one silent plea.

 

First for "had" my heart would yearn

As untouched aspirations burn

Hot, with shame for goals unreached

Which should and could have been achieved.

"Had" I only tithed my time,

A tenth from friends to those in crime.

Broken hearts, lives grasped by sin,

And I not there to speak of Him!

"Had, had" - it haunts each turn.

 

"Had" - the thoughts crowd, choking air -

Had I the fortitude to dare

Love to speak, its truth, its pow'r.

God's love to all, through me, each hour.

Spoken, such a word does sway

All focus from life's whir'ling fray.

When upon great Love one rests

All hateful things (greed, selfishness)

Grow useless, dull, and rare.

 

No reprieve from piercing thoughts

Is granted me in the "had-nots".

Knowing, watching today's sun

I'd wish I "had not" this race run

Prayerless - or so nearly so

That I did only half-way grow.

Quiv'ring birch 'mongst ancient oaks

With tremb'ling faith that often chokes

And, but for Grace, would rot.

 

Oh, I wish in patience I

"Had not" refused again to try

Books unread and songs unplayed

With Little, learning fingers' aid.

And I wish I had not giv'n

Study of the One, the Ris'n

For a few more moments' rest.

What thankless trade of laziness

For spirit, parched and dry!

 

If, today, time set me free,

Released me to Eternity,

Throwing off sin's weight I'd soar

To live with Glory, evermore.

Joy consumes one, waiting thus,

But while my spirit's bound by dust,

Lists upon my heart I'll keep

Lest in the end I fall asleep.

For thieves come quietly.

 

 

"So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom." - Psalm 90:12

 

 

"Two Lists" (c)2012 - to be used only with permission.